COMPLAINING! Yup...its happened, today is one of those days where all I basically do is complain! And this can be a rather consistent occurrence, depending upon where I am in my menstrual cycle (sorry guys) or how shitty I feel my life is that day. However, to strangers on the street and to most of my family I'm not complaining, I just don't have the energy to explain to them what all the fuss is about. But to those who really know me, and to myself, its all I can do! I hate these days...I end up feeling so disgusted with myself, but I just do it anyway. Its a rare art form that I have almost perfected, except that the damn voice in my head always says to me..."Shut up already..you are a selfish brat and you should be happy with what you have." That is so not fun!
My one silver lining to the day was that I was able to go out to dinner with a friend of mine (Hi Cobb!) that I hadn't seen since I moved back. Even better than seeing her was the fact that I was able to eat fattening restaurant food from the Cheesecake Fattery! One of the better chain restaurants at the mall in my opinion. But of course I didn't have any Cheesecake, because for some insane reason I've decided to give up sugar for Lent! Even more insane is that I stopped practicing Catholicism and Lent about 6 years ago. However, this year, just to torture myself even more, I decided I should partake in the catholic tradition and give something up. Even though it seems I gave up smoking almost 3 weeks ago, again another insane thing to do during all this change and turmoil in my life!
One of the many reasons for my day of complaining was that I found myself, yet again, without a job! I was lucky enough to land a job four days after arriving back in Philly, but as of two days ago, this job has been put on terminal hold until Q3, or whenever they get their heads out of their asses. So, I have to only assume that the other job didn't pan out because the universe has a much better role for me out there. I mean, isn't that how life's supposed to be? At least in my world now. Everything always has a way of working out the way God intended it to or something like that? Right? I dunno...I'm just so OVER looking for a job...the selling myself, the groveling, the "fake" phone voice, the laughing on cue, its all so trite...but I guess this is what we have to do -- especially in this economy! All I can say to anyone that has a REAL job! BE GRATEFUL and THANKFUL! It's effing brutal out there!
So my 30 day Bikram Yoga challenge is turning into my 30 days Bitchram torture! I find myself hanging from a cross each practice with the nail just getting driven in harder and harder. I thought it was supposed to get easier? It actually felt easier yesterday, but today for some reason it felt a zillion times tougher!??!?! WTF? Every day (or almost, I've missed 3 days so far and I think I'm on day 18) I go to the yoga studio and I silently curse myself for being there, b/c I can't stand it. I don't like how it makes me feel -- which is; inadequate, fat, body aching all over, very elementary in my not feeling good enough to be there - and just downright out of place. I feel like everyone there knows exactly what they are doing, are happy doing it, are fit enough to go run the Boston Marathon (that plug is for you Joe!) and all drank from the same Zen Teapot before I got there. Yanno? Just doesn't make sense to me...but for now, I'm still going b/c I signed up for this challenge god damnit...so I'll keep going...until my 30 days is up. But by then I could really be loving it? CHA...I think not...
Moving on to a possibly more exciting topic for me right now and one that I haven't yet started to complain about... MEN. So, I have two potential suitors in the wings...One I'll call Cougar JCrew boy; for more than obvious reasons. Met him online (which is a whole other blog topic in itself) He lives in NYC, and we have spoken once over the phone...it was a decent and pleasant enough conversation, but still a little unsure about him...we shall see....He is supposed to come to Philly next weekend, but again, not 100% on him yet. He actually invited me to come to NYC on Sunday night and said he'd swing for my hotel at the W...normally, I'd say well shit YEAH, but no, responsible me has an interview on Monday morning...sooooo its not gonna happen...
The second boy, I'll call him High School concert boy is someone I know from back in my school days, and I saw him out last weekend in the city at the Jackie Greene show. He and I are going out 'somewhere' on Friday night...no definite plans as of now. We both wanted to go to the Citizen Cope show, but its sold out....So I'm thinking just dinner and a movie...but we'll see what he comes up with. Definite bonus if anyone is every trying to impress me is that the guy PLANS the evening out. I hate it when a dude says, "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" Show some initiative....chicks really dig that!!!
My last rant of my evening blog will be my Mother. Dementia is still alive and kicking in her brain. As I sit here reading one of the four self help books on "caring for a loved one with Dementia/Alzheimer's" I can only surmise that there is a reason I'm reading these books, and that reason will show itself to me sooner rather than later. I will be a well-versed and well-informed daughter in gathering as much data as possible in order for me to not want to smash my fist into every TV set in the home that seems to be the Torah of my mother's existence. She is addicted to TV and the Game Show network like Joan Rivers is to plastic surgery. My mother, bless her heart, gets very excited for her evening Game Shows and when I came home tonight and tried to talk to her, she was only able to speak with me during the commercial break of Family Feud....
I stood there and glanced at the TV envisioning Richard Dawson saying to me;
"Name something that you are actually grateful for today?"
"Survey says.... Thank goodness for Blogs!"